she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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