I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
