i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
