The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
