I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
