If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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