Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
