i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
