I'm gonna have a badass scar
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
