dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My vagina just recognized that song.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
