I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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