I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
