Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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