Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
