Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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