problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
