everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
