Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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