my sisters under your porch take her home
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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