make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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