Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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