So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
