Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
