so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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