Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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