as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
