If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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