the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
