Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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