People with herpes should wear stickers.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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