Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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