I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
