but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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