He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
