i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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