Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
