She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
