sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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