took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
