I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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