I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I've blown a few things in my day
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
