He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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