peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
