My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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