That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
