yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Never underestimate the power of titties
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
