I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's never too late to be topless.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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