Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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