For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
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I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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