im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
