I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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