Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
