he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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