I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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