The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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