I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
