Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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