If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
