I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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